clowntown craft corner

I feel like this year I've been the me I've always meant to be. I feel like I spent a lot of my life trying to be different people, trying to be anyone I'm not and being a lot of people I didn't like being so I might fit in and be accepted, and now I'm done and I'm just being me. I feel closer to my four year old self than I ever have. I don't care if I'm seen as childish or silly, I'm not hurting anyone. It's not wrong to feel joy and to be genuine. It's not wrong to view the world with a childlike wonder. I'm not naive or putting on rose coloured glasses, there is just so many mundane treasures in every day life.

Ever since I cut contact with my mother I feel like I've come back to that little me again, that I've picked her up and we're walking together and chatting. I'm not the me that was bitter or cynical, I'm not the me who held hatred and darkness in my heart. It's like that saying that gets thrown around a lot lately, that I'm the me my child self would feel safe around. I think I've been waiting to be that person for a long time. I feel light and airy and despite a lot of negativity lately I don't fall back into the dark places I used to. I am happy to be cringe and free!!

My step grandad died earlier this week. He spent his last few days on his deathbed ranting about the state of the country, about how they're letting anyone in these days. Going out the way he lived, I suppose. A bigot to the end. I heard all of this from my sister, however. I went no contact with my mother in January and I've had no contact with her side of the family since, and I don't want to. My nana reached out and asked me to attend the funeral but I never replied. I don't want to be around them. I wouldn't feel safe with my uncles there, especially if they're upset. I worry they'll do something, or cause a scene, like they always do. Confront me and corner me and try and bully me again.

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Thinking about getting back into doing personal Tarot readings for myself and maybe posting them here. Usually I do readings for friends or their OCs, so I think it'd be good to get back to using it in a more practical manner for myself. One of the last of the two kickstarter decks I've been waiting for is on its way to me, so perhaps I'll kick off when it gets here...

Been thinking about my Grandpa since his death anniversary was last Thursday.

I remember dad taking me up to see my Grandparents not long after we found out it was terminal. He didn't have much time left, and my dad wanted me to make the most of it.
Dad told me to spend some time alone with him, sickly and weak and sitting in their front lounge room on their royal purple sofas that clashed terribly with the apricot trimmed walls and blue carpet.

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Once more.
Just once more, surely this time…
At this point Misca was more bruise than person, straddling their broom with both feet firmly on the ground. It had been fine when the year had only just begun and the promise of time to improve had dulled the blow of their poor grades, but now Vargas was breathing down their neck about an inevitable failing grade. Well, ‘breathing’ was a luxuriously mild way to put it. It's not like they were skilled at Phys-Ed in general, but their willingness to push themselves to the limit, to continue on despite how many times they'd emptied their stomach on the side of the field or collapsed in a momentary dead faint, had impressed Vargas to the point he'd considered Misca a star student.
That only made their abysmal attempts at flying even more infuriating to the teacher.

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So I've decided that I'll try and archive my writing here and maybe post one a day going forward! I'll tag OCs so you can sort by character, as well as worlds they come from. Once I'm done posting all my old stuff hopefully I can start working on some newer things...